Rude, Obnoxious, Untidy, Perverted and Very Bad Dog!
by Slashypotterness
Summary: Written for FlammaLuna. Marlene's roommate (Sirius) is out with James for the afternoon and Marlene decides to have herself a nice bubble bath while he's away. But wait, when did they get a dog? ((Note title and rating...they are there for a reason.))


**Author's Note:** Hahaha, what can I say about this little gem right here? Well, it's really not much more than perverted humor written for my good friend, and role-play partner (not that type of RP perverts…well not yet.) She is FlammaLuna on here and has a lovely Lilly and James fic of her own up so you should certainly check her out.

**Warnings:** I think there are two paragraphs in this fic that make it earn its M rating. Nobody's doing the full out nasty and there is nothing to terrible besides Sirius being a complete creeper and pervert. I suppose if you squint or have completely innocent virgin eyes, you might be able to see some bestiality, it's a humor way though not sensual oh my gosh I love this animal sort of way. It's really more adult humor than smut when it comes right down to it XD

**Disclaimer:** Awwww Rowling you got a new book now, why I can't have Harry Potter? I'll be good to it, I'll treat it like it's my very own. Until Rowling stops being selfish I don't own Harry Potter.

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_Absolutely disgusting,_ Marlene thought as she stepped over a pair of Sirius's dirty boxers that were carelessly thrown on the hallway floor. _How hard is it to pick up after yourself?_ While she was nowhere close to being a neat freak herself and probably had her own bad habits when it came to tiding up, she certainly would never think to leave her soiled undergarments out where other people had to walk. Then again, what was she really expecting out of a man who insisted on drinking straight out of the community milk bottle and putting empty peanut butter jars back into the cabinet. It was obvious that nobody had seen fit to housebreak Sirius Black and now she was stuck putting up with his animalistic living style.

Sighing, she knew that she should be thankful for Sirius's kindness and stop complaining so much. He didn't have to open his house to her after her parents were killed. There were plenty of other people who expressed their "deepest sympathies" for her situation through numerous fruits baskets and cards while projecting the general sentiment of "I'm sure you'll find a place soon," with the unspoken "but not mine." Even Lilly hadn't offered her a place to stay and while Marlene knew that if she had asked, the red head would never have turned her down, it was clear that it would be an inconvenience. Sirius though had all but insisted that she come stay with him as soon as he found out about her predicament. In a rare show of chivalry, he even helped her pack up all her stuff into boxes and brought them to his house. She supposed he wasn't all bad; deep down he really was a sweet heart but he was still a man, and having no brothers and an absentee father, Marlene had no experience whatsoever living with the opposite sex.

Thankfully, Sirius had gone off to prat around with Potter for the afternoon, leaving Marlene with the apartment all to herself. Smiling, she knew exactly what she was going to do with this alone time. She was going to engage in a relaxing, sensual activity, one that every woman should make time to do for herself at least once a week, stereotype be damned. She was going to go get herself nice and comfortable, pour herself a glass of wine and then go upstairs and takes a nice bubble bath.

It had been far to long since she had been able to enjoy the comforts of a tube filled with hot water and aromatic bubbles. She certainly didn't feel comfortable being naked for a prolonged period of time with the likes of Sirius around. As it was every time she took a shower or got changed he tried to sneak a peek and then had the nerve to act all innocent afterwards. It only became worse when he had a little bit too much to drink. One to many times Sirius stumbled into her bedroom while she was trying to change into her nightclothes. Once he had even asked her for a bedtime story as if he wasn't a grown man. Of course, the last time was when he tiptoed in while she was asleep, got under the covers and preceded to nuzzle his head into his breast with the excuse that he was just trying to get warm. After a hearty slap to the face, Marlene sent him on his way and never forgot to spell her door locked after that incident.

Now though he was out and she could enjoy her afternoon without his perversions. Grabbing a bottle of wine and a glass she made her way up to the bathroom. She placed the wine and the glass on the counter and bent over to the tub, turning the nobs and filling it up with water. She turned back around and let out a startled squeak as she came face to face with a big black dog staring back at her. _Great, as if this house wasn't messy enough, now he went and got himself a dog._

"So what's your name then fella," Marlene said, petting the dog on the head. The dog let out a bark before licking her hand. Marlene laughed, scratching the dog behind the ear before heading for the bathroom door. "Come on now, I got to take bath. Out." The dog barked again, looking up at Marlene with the biggest grey eyes she'd ever seen in her life. It then stuck his large tongue out and began wagging his tail. "No, no. I don't care how cute you are…out of the bathroom," she said, pointing towards the open door. The dog barked once more before padding over to the bathroom and laying down right next to it. Marlene sighed. "Oh all right," she said. "I suppose you can stay."

She walked back over to the tube, turned the water off and poured a generous amount of bubble bath inside of it all while ignoring the dog that seemed to be staring at her. She vaguely thought that perhaps the dog was just hungry, if Sirius had forgotten to mention to her that he got a dog he probably hadn't remembered to feed it either. _What could that poor dog have done to end up with Sirius as an owner?_

"I'll find you some food after my bath alright boy?" Marlene said, stroking the dog's back.

Leaning over again, she checked the water in the tube. Satisfied that it wasn't to hot she began undressing. First she pulled her t-shirt over her head, allowing it to fall down to the ground before working on her jeans. She had just gotten them unbuttoned before realizing that the dog seemed to be breathing heavy all of a sudden. Concerned, she leaned down to make sure the dog was ok. To her surprise the dog jumped up and licked the crease of her breast.

"Bad dog," Marlene said with an amused chuckled. "Get out of there."

She moved the dog away from her breast before sliding her jeans down and throwing them aside with her T-shirt. She then bent her hands up behind her, fussing with the clasps of her bra before unhooking it and pulling it off her chest. The dog let out another bark and Marlene rolled her eyes.

"God you need a lot of attention," Marlene said, bending down to pet the dog on the head.

Marlene finished off undressing, pulling off her underwear and throwing them with the rest of her clothing before stepping into the tub. She closed her eyes, allowing the hot liquid to sooth her body. She stayed like that for a few minutes, just enjoying the comforting sensation until she felt two furry paws on her arm. She opened her eyes to see herself face to face with the dog that had stood up on his hind legs and was currently licking at her neck. _What is this dog in heat? _ She pushed the dog away, wanting to enjoy her bath without having a furry animal all over her. The dog though wasn't deterred and he once again stood up, this time nuzzling his head in between her breast.

"Bad dog!" Marlene cried, trying to push away the dog that was currently licking around places that animals had no business licking. "Dog!" she shrieked as the thing stopped licking and just flat out took one of her nipples into its mouth. "Ah! I'm being molested by a damn dog!"

Pulling her breast out of the dog's mouth, Marlene quickly stood up. She stayed still for a moment, naked and dripping wet as she started down at the clearly sexually charged dog. _If Sirius was going to keep this mutt he was most certainly getting it fixed_. With a huff, Marlene stepped out of the bathtub, grabbed her towel and headed for her bedroom, making sure to close the door tightly so she wouldn't get anymore unwelcomed canine attention.

**~~Later That Evening~~**

Marlene was so engrossed with the food she was preparing that she didn't notice Sirius come home until he pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and sat down in it. Stopping what she was doing, she glanced over at him, raising an eyebrow at the odd look and smirk he seemed to be projecting towards her.

"What?" she questioned curtly.

"Nothing," Sirius replied, his smirk widening.

Marlene's eyes narrowed, not believing him one bit. Whenever Sirius got a smirk on his face it was always something and usually something not good. She decided to let it go for the time being, mainly because she didn't want her food to burn. Reaching up the cabinet she pulled out two plates. She placed a good size portion on each plate before turning off the oven and heading towards the table.

"Looks editable," Sirius said licking his lips.

"Should be, it took two hours," Marlene replied.

"Oh the food…yea that looks good also," Sirius said with a toothy grin.

"Idiot," Marlene mumbled before taking a seat across from him. "We need to talk about your dog."

"What?" Sirius questioned.

"The thing is hornier than you," Marlene said, shuddering as she thought about the events of her bath time. "You need to get the thing fixed ASAP."

"I don't have a dog," Sirius said flatly.

"What do you mean you don't have a dog?" Marlene all but shouted. "Yes you do! It was in the bathroom, it wouldn't leave me alone."

"Marlene, I swear to you, I don't have a dog," Sirius said in a serious (no pun intended) tone.

"Sirius, I am telling you that a big black dog came into the bathroom and nearly molested me!" Marlene cried.

"Uh huh," Sirius said, shaking his head.

"I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm crazy but I'm not," Marlene said, jumping up from her seat. "I dog really did come into the bathroom and try to molest me."

"Dogs don't molest people," Sirius said, standing up and placing his hands on Marlene's shoulders. "Sure it wasn't an Animagus?"

"What would an Animagus be doing in your house Sirius?" Marlene spat.

"Maybe he lives here?" Sirius reasoned. "Maybe he wanted pay back for being slapped a few nights ago for just trying to get warm in-between two very lovely pillows."

"What are you…?" Marlene began before her eyes widened and she realized what Sirius was saying. "You mean…you…"

Sirius let out a few barks before rushing out of the kitchen, knowing that Marlene would soon be close on his trail.

"Sirius Black I'm going to kill you!" Marlene yelled, chasing after him.

**~Fin~**

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